Cyan ponders about his life... again.


Well-Known Member
So I've been thinking about things the past few days.
My goals and dreams and such.
I've spent my life following a dream I had when I was like 8, and that dream was to make video games. Now I've had a lot of fun getting to where I am now, but I've also had a huge love of making websites since I was like 14.

Now, while making games is fun it takes up a lot of time and energy, and is extremely rare that I see any kind of payoff from it outside of learning and patting myself on the back. Now with web-design and development I've made money off it, it isn't as hard as making a game, and I've finished a lot of things with it.

I'm thinking of quitting game design, and the final nail in the coffin was my boyfriend telling me he doesn't wanna do sprite work anymore. I'd have to find another sprite artist if I wanted to make games now, and that's just a huge pain in the ass I don't wanna deal with.

But this isn't just about work. As you can see, video games have been a extremely important part of my life, but for some reason it just seems like the magic of video games is all gone now. Sure, I can have fun with gameplay, and care about story parts. Enjoy the music, and graphics, but the wonder is gone. I can't find that spark in very many games anymore. Cave Story, and Gunvolt did it for me, but I wanna explore a world that is more then the sum of it's parts, and it just feels like games aren't giving me that anymore. So I'm a little lost.

I miss stuff like the Tri-Force hunts in OoT, and the beta findings, and hoaxs even. Now days people just rip the game a-part on the PC instead of inputting memory address codes in to load new things, and that kinda kills the romanticism of it all.

It's basically like reading the book after you watched the movie. It's that kinda feeling.

Mix that with how jaded I've become personally and I basically can rarely find interest in single player games.

But I'm not just going to sit here bitching about things, I'm going to try to find new things. I'm going to try out Dark Souls, and Lightening Returns before the year is over. Both of those games remind me of Zelda 64 titles for different reasons, so I figure that's the best place to start.

This doesn't apply to just video games though, I've started going by the numbers with a lot of things now. Ether it's just buying drink A instead of drink B because you get more out of A, or buying game A instead of game B because I don't know enough about B. going by reviews and what other people say instead of looking into things myself, not sharing my opinion because I think it can't change anything.

But, yeah. it just seems like the romance of living is gone basically. Everything is about numbers to me now, and it just sucks.

Wow, this turned out really well. I finally put what I'm going through into words. I'm happy with this.

thoughts, discussion, and feedback would be great, and helpful!


All mods go to heaven.
I really recommend you play through Dark Souls. It hearkens back to a time in gaming when you were let loose in an exciting new world and had to earn the right to discover everything the game has to offer, let alone beat its challenges. In that sense, I think it's like Zelda from Zelda 1 to Majora's Mask.

I think it's better like this, honestly, where you are familiar enough with your own taste that you can latch on to a few games instead of going from game to game trying to be surprised by new experiences. All it is, is knowing what you like, and deciding to find similar game experiences rather than a crapshoot with all sorts of different new games. I don't think it means that you are less interested in gaming, it just means that your interest in gaming narrows and specializes.

Same with Life, I think. At first you want to do everything there is to be done, but eventually you keep coming back to a certain few things, and that's fine because you can pursue those few things more passionately. In your case, not being so engaged in the gaming industry can save you energy that you can use to follow more passionately either the few games you love, or web design as a career.


Your Resident Beardy Bear
And going on with that Jueg was just saying, as we get older, I know that experiences are less fresh and are more comparable to other experience we've already had. In other words, as kids everything is so fresh in our minds with all those experiences, so time itself also appears to slow down, but once we reach adulthood, everything is almost a blur, and time appears to travel much faster.

My point though is it's never too late to start new endeavors and experiences you may like. Obviously web design is something you enjoy doing, so expanding on that could be something to think about. I know it seemed for awhile you were helping with those things here on TNE. Is that still happening, or have you moved on from that?


Well-Known Member
Making games is hard. If you're willing to throw in the towel because you lost a sprite artist, then maybe you don't really want to make games.

As for the rest, I'm not sure if Dark Souls is the answer. It sounds like you're depressed dude. You might want to check into that.
I think you over simplified the situation with the game making...

I've been trying to make games for like 9 years now, and I've finished one bad one. It's not that I don't want to, but that it's not getting me anything, or anywhere. I'm sure a good bit of my depression has come from the repeated failure of trying to make a game, and sticking to that stupid dream I had as a kid instead of doing something worth while with my life.

The closest thing I can do to rectify the situation is switch from game dev to web dev where I can actually get happiness from finishing things.

As for your second statement, yeah Dark Souls got returned for Hyrule Harriors. I've been on anti-depressants, for 10 years, and seeing therapists for basically all my life. Looking for a new video game might sound stupid, but I don't know what else to do...


pig's gotta fly
So do you really feel making games is not a worth-while endeavor or are you frustrated that after nine years you're not happy with the results?

Realizing something isn't for you and moving on is progress. You're learning about yourself and life. Don't waste time on something you don't care about doing.

But if you want to quit because you haven't got the results you wanted after nine years, you got to keep trying. Try to analyze your failures and see what's going wrong.

You've said in the past that you're able to program games to completion, but you can't do the assets yourself nor do you have people to help you do them. Do you still feel that is the case?


Well-Known Member
I don't think game dev's for me anymore. Having learned that what it is and what I want it to be are 2 different things. I'm going to focus my webdev dream and try to find a nice cushy tech job, I think.